


finding a home in you

by bigsoftgay



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Anger, Home, Hurt Neil Josten, M/M, Panic Attacks, anger issues, angry neil josten, no smut yet but who knows, smol beans, the foxhole court - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-17
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2020-03-06 17:50:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18856021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigsoftgay/pseuds/bigsoftgay
Summary: neil finds out that andrew is leaving palmetto after he graduates. + more





	1. holy ghost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> neil drinks a little too much and gets a little too angry when he finds out andrew hid something from him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this at 2am without proofreading, so enjoy :)

Neil almost fell out of his chair when he heard the news. He was currently sitting in the common room with some of the other foxes, watching the updates on the major league Exy draft. 

They watched name after name scroll by as the announcers read off where that player had been signed. Neil grinned as Kevin’s picture popped up and the announcers said _“Kevin Day, from Palmetto State University has signed with the New York Rebels.”_

Nicky hooted and cheered as the announcers moved on to talking about Kevin’s playing stats. “That’s my Captain!” he yelled and opened another beer can. 

“I think that’s enough for you,” Aaron muttered and took the beer away from Nicky. The foxes were still coming off of their championship win high, which some people used as an excuse to party for three weeks straight.

“Hey, I was drinking that,” Nicky pouted. 

“You can drink this instead,” Renee handed him a bottle of water, and gently patted the curls on top of his head. Nicky was still pouting, but grudgingly accepted the water and took a sip. “Just pretend its beer,” Renee smiled sweetly. 

Neil turned his attention back to the TV, where the announcers were talking about the foxes again. He noticed Andrew get up from next to him and slip out of the room, but kept his attention on the television.

_“As we mentioned earlier, the Palmetto State Foxes had a great run this year, led by none other than Kevin Day. However, it seems he isn’t the only Fox this year to go pro.”_

This statement confused Neil, as he didn’t know of any other senior Foxes that signed onto a pro league. 

Then Andrew’s picture flashed up on the screen, and Neil felt the world around him slow down. 

_“Andrew Minyard, goalie to the Foxes for the past five years, has signed on with the Colorado Rockies”_ is all that Neil managed to hear. 

“What?” Neil whispered, mostly to himself, but Kevin, sitting on the other side of Neil, caught it. 

“He didn’t tell you?” Kevin asked. 

Neil shook his head and got to his feet. He was a little wobbly from drinking, but managed to stumble out of the room in one piece. Neil headed straight for the roof, where he knew Andrew must have gone. 

He got to the top of the stairs, and pushed the door open in a hurry. The door banged into the wall, but Neil was only focused on Andrew, who was smoking in his usual spot. 

“You’re going pro?” Neil asked, and walked closer. He still kept his distance. 

“And you’re drunk,” Andrew didn’t look at him. 

“Why didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t you tell me?” Neil’s voice cracked. He didn’t say anything, but this caught Andrew’s attention. 

Neil watched as Andrew put out the cigarette, tossed the butt over the ledge, and stood up. He finally looked at Neil. “It’s true. I’m moving to Colorado.” Neil stared at the shorter man in disbelief. 

“When did you sign?” he asked softly. 

Andrew put his hands in his pockets and shrugged. “A few weeks ago.” 

Neil let out a small laugh under his breath. “When were you going to tell me?” 

“It doesn’t matter,” Andrew said quickly. Neil could tell he was getting annoyed, but Neil was hurt. 

“Of course it matters! What about us?” he asked incredulously. 

Andrew’s jaw clenched, and he avoided eye contact. “This is nothing. We are nothing,” he said, reminding Neil of that night up here not too long ago. 

“This isn’t nothing, Andrew, and you know that.” 

When Andrew didn’t reply, Neil turned around and left the roof. He made his way to his room, and accidentally slammed the door closed before leaning against it to steady himself. Neil’s breathing was heavy, and he felt like a panic attack was coming. He knew Andrew had a fucked up way of expressing emotion - if he even felt real emotions - but Neil sometimes had trouble believing Andrew truly cared about him. 

He took a shaky breath and walked over to the closet where he shoved his feet into a beat-up pair of running shoes. Neil turned back toward the door, and jumped slightly when he saw Andrew standing in the doorway. He hadn’t heard the door open, but the blond had his arms crossed against his chest and was leaning casually against the frame. 

“You’re in my way,” Neil stated. 

Andrew didn’t move a muscle. “I’m not leaving you like this,” he replied nonchalantly. 

“I’m fine!” Neil barked. He was aching to be out on the street with his feet pounding against the pavement, and his muscles moved against their own will as he began to pace around the room. 

Andrew only raised an eyebrow at this. “You aren’t fine. You want to run.” Neil knew that Andrew wasn’t talking about only the physical act of running. Andrew knew that Neil craved control, and that he felt like he didn’t have control over their relationship right now. He knew that Neil wanted to run away from this relationship and all of the foxes and start over again. 

Neil’s hands were clenched into fists at his sides, almost hard enough to draw blood. “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he gasped, trying to gain control over his breathing. 

“I know that you’re Neil Josten, and Neil doesn’t run because he isn’t afraid.” 

This statement triggered something deep inside of Neil. He wasn’t even sure where this anger was coming from. This anger was supposed to be kept locked away after his father died. 

“I am nothing,” spat Neil. “Remember, Andrew? Neil Josten is nothing, and he never will be. Neil Josten doesn’t exist. But Nathaniel-,” he laughed, “Nathaniel is not nothing, and you have no idea who he can be.” 

Andrew’s jaw was clenched harder than Neil had ever seen before. Neil never thought that this anger would ever be directed at someone he cared about so much. His breathing was heavy, not only from the panic still there, but also because he genuinely didn’t know how Andrew was going to react. 

“You are nothing like your father,” Andrew said as calmly as he could be in this situation. “Nathaniel died along with him.” 

“You’re an idiot if you truly think that,” Neil growled. 

Andrew dared to take a few steps closer to Neil. “I know you better than you think I do,” he says, stopping short of Neil. He just stares at Andrew. 

When Neil doesn’t say anything, Andrew says, “Stay,” with the most emotion Neil had ever heard come out of his mouth. 

Andrew didn’t just mean stay in the room with him, but to stop running. To stay in his life even though he was moving to Colorado. To stay in his life, not as Nathaniel Wesninski, but as Neil Josten, the man who has a home with the Palmetto State Foxes and with Andrew Minyard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title inspired by the song: "holy ghost" - BØRNS


	2. kiss me on the mouth and set me free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> neil and andrew talk about their fight. andrew is still working on allowing himself to be more vulnerable with neil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wasn't planning on making this a multi-chapter thing? 
> 
> but now i'm inspired, so we'll see how many chapters this can get.
> 
> enjoy :)

Almost two weeks have passed since Neil found out that Andrew had signed on to play professional league exy, and since he had his Nathaniel breakdown. During those two weeks, Neil was trying to keep himself as busy as possible by actually going to his classes, doing homework late at the library, and avoiding fox tower however he could. 

Okay, more so he was avoiding a certain someone _in_ fox tower. Andrew realized that Neil needed some space, and was keeping a safe distance between them. But two weeks? That was long, even for Neil. Andrew couldn’t remember the last time they had gone two weeks without Neil being annoying. 

Neil came back to fox tower late one night after spending hours in the library trying to finish his math homework. As it had been for the past several nights, nobody was in the common area because it was almost 3am. 

When Neil opened the door to his room and flipped the light on, he didn’t expect Andrew to be awake, let alone sitting on the windowsill smoking a cigarette. 

“Would you care to tell me what the _fuck_ your problem is?” Andrew said cooly, not bothering to look up. Neil shut the door softly behind him and discarded his backpack by the desk. 

“I’m fine,” he answered. 

“Bullshit,” Andrew shot back. “Ever since Nathaniel came to visit, you’ve been anything but fine.” 

Neil stared at him, to which Andrew challenged with his own stare. “I just want to go to bed, okay?” He turned away from Andrew to grab pajamas from the closet. The bags under Neil’s eyes, which were starting to resemble bruises, said a different story. 

“You haven’t been sleeping, and we both know it.” Neil couldn’t deny it. Even when he did manage to fall asleep, the nightmares about his father didn’t take long to wake him up again. When he slept in the same bed as Andrew, the nightmares usually didn’t come, but Neil had been sleeping in his own bed recently. 

Neil didn’t have a response to that. Instead, he simply pulled his athletic shorts down and stepped out of them, pretending to ignore the way Andrew’s eyes didn’t look away. 

“You can’t run forever, Neil.” 

He knew Andrew was right. Neil pulled on his pajama pants and climbed into bed before finally looking at Andrew. “Why didn’t you tell me? Didn’t you think I would find out at some point?” 

Andrew’s jaw clenched. Neil knew he did that when he was either uncomfortable with something or when he was angry. He didn’t _seem_ angry now, but even Neil still had trouble figuring him out sometimes. 

A few heartbeats of silence passed before Andrew said, “I didn’t know how to.” 

“It’s really not that hard,” Neil said softly. 

Andrew suddenly stood up and ran his fingers through his hair as he said, “I don’t know how to do _this_ , okay, Neil? But, damn it, I’m trying!” Neil recoiled slightly as Andrew raised his voice a little. 

“I know,” Neil said. “I’m sorry, Andrew.” 

Andrew turned toward him. Neil was sitting on the bed, against the wall, hugging his knees toward his chest. “No, don’t say that.” His tone was softer now. “You don’t ever need to apologize for who you are.”

“But I-,” he began. 

“You’re not Nathaniel. There may be some part of him buried deep down, but you’re not Nathaniel anymore, and you’re sure as hell not your father. You’re Neil Josten.” 

Neil took a deep breath, trying to steady his racing thoughts. He could talk about this without letting Nathaniel take over anymore. “I’m scared,” Neil admitted. “Of being alone.” 

Andrew understood what he meant. Neil was worried that with Andrew gone next year - completely, in a whole other state, _gone_ \- his nightmares would act up, and he would panic and want to run. 

“I have a phone,” Andrew said bluntly. “And, if you called me, I _might_ even pick up.” Neil couldn’t help but laugh at that. “I’m not going anywhere, Neil.” 

“Me either,” said Neil. With that, Andrew sat on the bed across from him. 

“I didn’t know how to tell you because I didn’t _want_ to tell you about the signing,” Andrew said suddenly. Neil looked up and raised an eyebrow. “I-,” Andrew took a deep breath. “I didn’t want to tell you, because that meant I had to admit to myself that this is something- that _we_ are something.” 

Neil was absolutely positive his mouth was hanging open with the most dumbfounded look possible on his face. He wouldn’t have expected Andrew to say something like that, even in a thousand years from now. 

“Did you just-?” Neil sputtered.

“Shut up,” Andrew said, but failed to hide the corners of his mouth turning upward. 

Neil happened to look down at that moment, and noticed Andrew wasn’t wearing his armbands like he usually did. He’d only seen Andrew’s naked forearms once before. He realized this was Andrew Minyard being laid out bare in front of him, completely vulnerable. 

“Yes or no?” Neil asked quietly, while he raised his gaze to meet Andrew’s. 

“Don’t look at me like that, Josten,” Andrew glared at him. Neil didn’t move until Andrew added, “Yes.” 

Neil reached out a tentative hand, and grabbed Andrew’s wrist. He turned Andrew’s arm over and looked at the scars that covered his forearm. Then he ran a hand over the scars gently, just his fingertips brushing the raised marks. When he got to Andrew’s wrist, Neil continued down to his hand and laced their fingers together. 

This time, Andrew was the one that asked, “Yes or no?” 

“Yes, always,” Neil breathed, even though he knew Andrew would never stop asking him for permission. Andrew brought his other hand up to rest behind Neil’s neck, his thumb brushing Neil’s jawline, and pulled him in for a kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title inspired by the song: "BITE" - troye sivan


	3. loveless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some soft andreil

Andrew woke up the next morning to find himself in a tangle of limbs and bedsheets. His body stiffened on instinct to the presence of somebody next to him, but immediately relaxed when he realized it was just Neil. He had fallen asleep in Neil’s bed, like he usually did, but now Neil was wrapped around him. 

Neil was curled up next to Andrew, with one of his legs hooked over Andrew’s thigh. Andrew’s arm was currently trapped under Neil’s body, and had gone numb from spending all night like that. He tried to ease the arm out from under Neil gently, but they were both light sleepers so it was inevitable that Neil’s eyes fluttered open. 

Once he realized their current state, Neil sat up and untangled himself from Andrew and the bedsheets in a hurry. “Sorry,” he said quickly, as his ears turned an adorable shade of pink. 

“Didn’t realize you were such a cuddler, Josten,” Andrew said. This wasn’t the first night they had shared a bed together, but their nights usually didn’t contain any cuddling. “But don’t worry, I kind of liked it,” Andrew winked at Neil. 

Neil’s jaw dropped open. He definitely couldn’t contain his surprise at that statement. “You mean to tell me that Andrew Joseph Minyard actually likes _cuddling_?” 

“Shut up,” Andrew said. “It’s not a big deal.” 

But they both knew it was actually a huge deal. Ever since they started sleeping in the same bed at night, Andrew wasn’t waking up in a panic anymore, but he used to panic if they accidentally touched in the middle of the night. So, the fact that Andrew didn’t panic after waking up with Neil wrapped around him was most definitely what could be considered a big deal. 

“Yes or no?” he asked with a glance at Neil’s lips. Neil’s ears flushed a darker shade of pink. 

“We haven’t brushed our teeth,” is all Neil said in response. 

Andrew gave him a lazy glare before repeating himself, “Yes or no?” 

Neil rolled his eyes but replied, “Yes, you idiot.” Andrew placed a hand behind Neil’s neck and pulled him closer for a kiss. 

While they were still kissing, Andrew grabbed Neil’s arms and placed them around his own neck with unspoken consent. Neil was currently sitting in front of Andrew, on his knees, and Andrew’s hands traveled down Neil’s chest to his thighs - those goddamn thighs - with the intent of pulling Neil onto his lap. 

Neil pulled away. “Are you sure?” he asked Andrew. 

“ _Yes_ ,” Andrew all but growled. Neil chewed on his bottom lip, but crawled on top of Andrew so that he was straddling his waist, and was not at all surprised to feel Andrew half-hard beneath him. That explained where the sense of urgency was coming from at this hour. 

Neil let Andrew have a few more slow kisses before he pulled away with a smirk and climbed off the bed. “I’m going to go brush my teeth now,” he said, and headed toward the bathroom. 

“98 percent, Josten,” he heard Andrew call after him. 

With a sigh, Andrew got out of bed and headed into the shared kitchen to make coffee. He plugged the coffee maker into the wall, and let the water heat up before adding the coffee grinds to the filter and pressing the brew button. 

He glanced over as Neil came out of the bedroom in a fresh t-shirt and athletic shorts with his running shoes on. “I’ll be back in half an hour,” said Neil, and pressed a light kiss to Andrew’s temple. 

Andrew scrunched up his face in response to the kiss, but replied, “Don’t make me send out a search party for you this time.” 

Neil just laughed at that before heading out the door. Andrew poured the fresh coffee into a mug, and added his usual splash of milk and ungodly amount of sugar. Then he settled onto the couch with his coffee in hand, and watched the news until Neil returned from his morning run. 

While Neil was on his run, his mind kept wandering to graduation, which was less than a month away. He and Andrew hadn’t yet talked about what their situation would look like after Andrew graduates, other than they didn’t want to stop whatever they had. 

It had recently been announced that Neil was going to captain the foxes next year, so that would help keep him busy, but he wasn’t sure he was ready for Andrew to be gone. Neil thought he was on track to graduate in four years instead of the five that most foxes took, but it turns out he had left out a few important classes in his planning, and of course they were the kind of classes that weren’t offered as summer courses. 

He just kept running, feet pounding against the pavement and propelling him forward, and thinking about the future until an alarm went off on his phone. Neil had to start setting alarms for his runs or else he would just keep running, and he promised Andrew he would be back in half an hour. The alarm meant he had about five minutes to get back to fox tower, so he turned around and ran home. 

Neil returned to fox tower in good time, and said a quick hello to Andrew and Nicky, who was now awake, before jumping into a relaxing shower. He showered relatively quickly and changed into clean clothes, then headed into the common area. Andrew was waiting in the kitchen with a cup of black coffee for Neil, just the way he liked it. 

“Thank you,” Neil took the mug from Andrew with a grin on his face. 

“Don’t look at me like that,” was all Andrew said in reply. 

“Like what?” Neil asked innocently. His grin only grew wider. He couldn’t explain the feeling of warmth that blossomed in his chest. 

“I hate you,” Andrew said, but there was a softness in his gaze that Neil didn’t miss. 

“Why don’t the two of you just make out already?” Nicky called from the couch. Andrew just threw a kitchen towel at him which was accompanied by a yelp from Nicky as it hit him in the face. 

“Yes or no?” Andrew asked. 

“Always,” replied Neil. Andrew pulled Neil in for a kiss. “Okay, maybe not _always_ when you taste like pure sugar,” Neil pulled away with a disgusted look on his face. Then he leaned back in for another kiss. 

“Junkie,” Andrew said, but kissed him anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title inspired by the song loveless - x ambassadors


	4. your love is therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> andrew moves to colorado

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for an implication of self-harm behaviors

Graduation happened a few days ago, and now the foxes were being kicked out of their dorms for the month, until June, when they would begin summer practices again. 

Neil woke up to find his bed empty. He rolled over and fumbled for his phone on the nightstand. The screen lit up brightly, and Neil squinted to read the time: 6:32 AM. Why was Andrew up so early? And how did Neil not notice him get out of bed?

He forced himself to escape the comfort of his bed and, on instinct, headed toward Andrew’s room while completely missing the fact that Andrew was sitting in the common area. 

“Neil,” called Andrew. Neil jumped and his head snapped toward the kitchen, in full alert mode. Then he relaxed when he noticed it was Andrew. 

“Jeez, you scared me,” Neil muttered as he approached the kitchen. 

“No shit,” Andrew replied coolly. Neil just frowned at him. Andrew was leaning against the kitchen counter, holding a steaming mug of coffee. He was wearing sweatpants and a foxes t-shirt that had been cut into a muscle shirt, so the biceps that Neil loved so much were on display. Of course, the black armbands were on display as well. 

“You’re up early,” Neil commented. Andrew just shrugged, and Neil raised his eyebrows at that. “Did you sleep at all?” 

“Does it matter?” Andrew snapped and walked past Neil, out of the kitchen. Neil turned to see him disappear into Neil’s room. An even grumpier Andrew than usual meant he definitely didn’t sleep well, if at all. Neil took a deep breath before following after him. 

Andrew was sitting on the bed with his head in his hands, and he sounded like he was trying to gain control of his breathing. Neil paused at the doorway. Although Andrew went to Neil’s room, he wasn’t sure if Andrew wanted him to follow or not. This seemed like a private moment for him. 

“Are you okay?” Neil asked softly. He noticed Andrew’s body stiffened slightly, but no reply came. “Andrew?” At least his breathing seemed to be controlled now. A few more moments passed before Andrew raised his head and glanced at Neil. He looked exhausted. 

“You don’t have to tell me. You can call Bee or something, I’ll leave,” Neil continued. 

“No,” Andrew said quickly. “Don’t leave.” 

“Ok,” Neil replied. “It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling. And, whatever it is, you don’t have to tell me.” As much as Neil wanted to know what was going on in that pretty head of Andrew’s, he wasn’t going to pressure him. 

When Andrew finally spoke, he asked, “Can you close the door? And come here.” Neil obliged, closing the door before walking over to Andrew. He watched as Andrew peeled off his armbands and removed the thin knives that were sheathed inside. 

“I need you to take these. So I won’t take them with me,” Andrew held the hilt of the knives toward Neil. Once Neil grabbed the knives, Andrew pulled the armbands back on. 

“Have you-?” Neil asked hesitantly, not daring to actually voice the thought of Andrew relapsing out loud. He turned away and tucked the knives into one of the desk drawers. 

“Not yet.” 

Those words sent a chill down Neil’s spine. He turned back toward Andrew. “ I’m proud of you, Andrew. I’m glad you could trust me with this.” 

Andrew looked up at him with an emotion in his eyes that Neil couldn’t quite read. “What did I do to deserve you?” he asked quietly. 

Neil’s breath caught in his throat. “You survived,” he whispered, not trusting his voice. “We both did. We both deserve to be happy.” 

Andrew stared at him for a second before starting to laugh. Neil gaped at him. “What’s so funny about this?” 

“You’re my boyfriend, not my fucking therapist. You sound just like Bee right now,” Andrew explained. 

_Boyfriend._

Neil just stared at Andrew in shock. “Yes, I said boyfriend, get over yourself,” Andrew said with a smirk, which was the closest thing to a smile that Neil had ever seen him express. 

“I, but-,” Neil paused. “Are you sure you don’t want to break up with me?” he asked quietly. 

Andrew just gave him a blank stare for a few seconds. “Are you kidding me? Do you have a death wish, Josten?” Neil’s ears turned pink in embarrassment, and he avoided meeting Andrew’s gaze. 

“No,” he said firmly. “It’s just- you’ll be almost 2,000 miles away. Things could get complicated. You might meet someone over there. Or, maybe you’re getting tired of me-,” Neil knew he was rambling. 

“Neil, shut up for once in your life,” Andrew interrupted him. He couldn’t believe they were finally talking about this on the day he was supposed to fly to Colorado. “There isn’t anyone else. There will probably never be anyone else.” 

Neil finally brought his eyes up to meet Andrew’s gaze. “But-,” he opened his mouth. 

Andrew groaned. “I’m trying to tell you I have fucking _feelings_ for you, asshole. That I’ve had feelings for you. So, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t keep trying to get me to break up with you.” 

Neil stared at him wide-eyed and open-mouthed. Sure, he never believed Andrew when he said that their relationship was nothing, but it was different actually hearing him say that he cared about Neil. He watched as Andrew stood up from the bed and took a couple steps to close the distance between them. 

“Yes or no?” Andrew asked. 

“Yes, always yes,” Neil said instantly. 

“If you say always one more time, I swear to god I’m going to rip your tongue out of your mouth,” Andrew glared at him.

Neil bit back a smile. “I love it when you talk dirty to me.” Andrew’s lips twitched upwards at that, but he just pulled Neil in for a kiss instead. 

\- -

The hardest thing Neil has ever had to do was burn his mother’s body and bury her at the beach, but saying goodbye to Andrew at the airport came in a close second. 

Andrew was driving the maserati to the airport, but Neil was keeping it at Palmetto State for the next year. He was gripping the steering wheel so hard that the knuckles on his left hand were white. His other hand was absentmindedly tracing patterns on Neil’s thigh. 

The drive to the airport was only an hour or so, and they were getting closer every minute. Neither of them spoke a word until Andrew pulled up next to the curb in the departures section. 

Neil’s heart was racing. He wasn’t ready to say goodbye to the man that kept him grounded and gave him a home when he thought he would never have one. Andrew got out of the driver’s seat and went around back to get his stuff out. 

Andrew had shipped most of his stuff ahead of time so he only had the one suitcase and small carry on to take now. Neil took a deep breath and got out of the passenger side, meeting Andrew on the sidewalk. 

He just stared at Andrew, unsure of what to say in this situation. “Don’t look at me like that,” Andrew said with his usual affectionate glare toward Neil. 

“I’m going to miss you,” Neil blurted. 

Andrew just raised an eyebrow. “I know. What on earth are you going to stare at while I’m gone?” 

“Andrew, I’m serious,” Neil chewed on his bottom lip. 

“I know,” Andrew repeated. His tone was softer this time, more understanding. “I might miss you too,” he said with a small smirk. 

Neil rolled his eyes but couldn’t hold back a smile at that. “Yes or no?” he asked. He was expecting the shorter man to say no since they were in a very public area, and Andrew was typically very private in any affection toward Neil. 

Andrew was silent for a moment, contemplating his answer. Then he finally said, “Yes.” 

Neil was definitely surprised, but he tried to hide it. He brought up one of his hands to cup Andrew’s face, and then leaned in to kiss him slowly. Neil didn’t want to let him go, but Andrew pulled away after a few kisses. 

“I know we haven’t talked about visiting or anything,” Andrew paused and reached into his pocket. “But I had this made for you.” He pulled out a key and held it out to Neil. 

“What’s this?” Neil asked. He already had a key to the house in Columbia, and the key to the maserati. What else was there?

“A key, dumbass,” Andrew grabbed Neil’s wrist and pressed the key into his hand. Then he added, “To my apartment.” 

“In Colorado?” Neil asked in disbelief. Andrew just shot him a glare. 

“You can come visit whenever. I’ll send you the game schedule so you know when I’m out of town.” Neil already had it memorized, but he wasn’t going to tell Andrew that. 

“Thank you,” he said, and added the key to his already heavy ring of keys. Andrew’s expression was unreadable, but his gaze was soft as he looked at Neil. They just looked at each other for a moment, both unsure of what to do next, but neither wanted to say goodbye. 

Andrew cleared his throat and finally said, “Well, I guess I should get going. Don’t want to hold up the line or whatever.” The airport really wasn’t that busy, but Neil just nodded. 

“Call me when you get there?” he asked. “Just so I know I don’t have to plan your funeral, obviously.” 

Andrew let out a huff of air, which was the closest thing to a laugh from him. “Sure thing, Josten,” he said with a wink. 

Neil’s chest tightened. He knew what was supposed to come next, but he couldn’t make himself say it. 

Andrew must have noticed the tension in Neil’s body because he said, “This isn’t goodbye, Neil. I’ll see you soon enough,” and picked up his carry on bag. 

Neil felt himself relax a little. “Yeah,” he agreed. “See you soon.” 

He watched as Andrew turned away from him and walked into the airport. Then he climbed into the driver’s side of the maserati and tried to control his breathing. It felt wrong to be driving Andrew’s car without him in it, but Neil put the car in drive and managed to make it back to fox tower with both himself and the car in one piece.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title inspired by the song scary love - the neighbourhood


	5. make me feel something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> neil deals with the foxes + finally gets to visit andrew

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for homophobic comments and the f-slur

Neil was distracted during practice. Actually, distracted was the understatement of the year. It was the day before the fourth of July, and Neil was counting down the hours until he would be getting on a plane to Colorado. His thoughts kept wandering away from exy and back toward Andrew. It was weird being the captain of this team. He was the last remaining member of the group of foxes he started with. 

A loud clang shook him out of his thoughts. His head snapped toward the noise, which came from down the court, to see a freshman take the first swing at another teammate. “Hey!” he shouted to get their attention, but they weren’t listening. 

Neil was in the middle of their fight in a heartbeat, shoving the two men apart. He yanked the freshman away with a fist in his jersey. “Keep your hands to yourself, Johnson. If you can’t respect my rules, get off my fucking court.” 

A challenge glittered in Johnson’s eyes. “Like you’re keeping your hands to yourself right now?” Neil’s jaw clenched. 

“You have 10 seconds to get off this court and start running laps. You’ll stop when I tell you to.” 

Johnson shot him an icy glare when Neil let go of him, but he knew better than to challenge his captain any further. He walked off the court and starting jogging laps. Neil took a deep breath before facing the rest of the team. 

“Again,” he called. “We’re running this scrimmage until you satisfy me.” There were a couple groans at that because the foxes knew how picky Neil was. “If anybody else picks another damn fight, I’ll sign all of you up for a marathon,” he called, using Coach’s classic threat to incite some aspect of motivation in them. 

The foxes finally had enough players to play a scrimmage with full teams on either side of the court and subs waiting. Everyone begrudgingly walked to their positions and waited for Neil’s whistle. Then came the familiar thud of the exy ball being served, and chaos broke out. 

\- -

He let them out of practice early after a few more reps, not only because he had a flight to catch, but because they actually improved enough to his liking. “Johnson, you’re done. Go shower,” Neil called to the rookie who was, surprisingly, still running his assigned laps. 

Johnson lifted a hand in acknowledgement before walking toward the locker rooms. Neil picked up the ball from the court, and dropped it into the bucket before switching the lights off and joining the team in the locker room. 

As usual, he was one of the last to shower and change out of his gear. He grabbed his bag out of his locker, and pulled on the orange foxes hoodie that was in there. When some of the lingering team members caught the name on the back, there were some whispers. 

“Hey cap, who’s Minyard?” one of the younger players asked. Neil hesitated.

“Probably the faggot he’s fucking,” came another voice, quiet enough that Neil didn’t think he was supposed to hear it. 

Neil turned around to face his team. He was deadly quiet when he said, “What did you just say?”

“You heard me,” said Jeremy Delgado, the player that Johnson got into a fight with. These two were going to be the end of him. “Or do I need to spell it out for you?” his lips curled into a taunting smile. 

Neil counted to ten in every language he knew. He was not going to lose his cool. He needed to get this team running smoothly together, which meant the captain had to be a solid, unifying force. His fists were clenched so tightly that his nails were digging into his palms. 

When Neil didn’t reply, Jeremy kept going. “Am I right? You’re fucking Andr-,” he didn’t get Andrew’s name off his lips before Neil slammed him into the lockers. 

“Shut the fuck up,” he snarled. 

The noise drew Wymack from his office, who swore under his breath when he saw what was going on. “Neil, let him go and get your ass in my office. Jeremy, stop being an idiot and go get lunch or something. That goes for the rest of your sorry asses,” he said. When no one moved, he added, “Now!” 

As the others began to move, Neil gave Jeremy one last shove with a glare before dropping him. Then he walked into Coach’s office without a glance back. Wymack followed him in and shut the door behind them. Then he turned to Neil with one hand massaging his forehead. 

“Do I want to know what that was about?” 

“It was nothing,” Neil lied. Coach gave him a look of disbelief before sinking into his desk chair. 

“Is he going to be a problem?” he asked. 

“No, Coach. I can handle it.” 

Wymack just sighed and nodded. “Okay, then. How are the freshmen doing?” 

Neil looked up at him, surprised that he wasn’t going to push the issue further. “Other than Delgado and Johnson at each other's, and everyone else’s, throats?” he paused, trying to think of what else was important. “I’m still working on getting Jo out of her shell, but she has real potential as a goalie. She’s getting better every practice, considering we originally signed her as backliner.” 

She had offered to be moved to goalie after another player had dropped the team, and possibly university for good, without any warning. “Julian is the weakest link in the backliners, but I’m working with it. Crystal is one hell of a striker. She’s fast and knows her way around her marks.”

“She reminds me of you,” Wymack interrupted. Neil raised an eyebrow, but then realized he was right. “Anyway, that’s enough for today. You need a ride to the airport?” 

Neil quickly glanced at the clock. He had three hours until the flight started boarding. “I was just going to take a taxi or something.” Andrew had left the Maserati with him, but Neil didn’t think he could drive. 

“Grab your bag, I’ll drive you,” Wymack didn’t wait to hear an answer. 

\- -

Neil’s flight landed in Denver in the late evening, and it only took the taxi about a half hour to get to Andrew’s apartment complex. He paid the taxi and took a deep breath before heading inside. Andrew’s apartment was on the eighth floor, but Neil still took the stairs to give him time to calm his racing heart. He wasn’t sure why he was so nervous. It was just Andrew. 

He stopped in front of the door with the shiny gold numbers that matched the text Andrew had sent him, and almost raised a hand to knock before remembering he had a key. Neil fished his key ring out of his pocket, and slid the key into the lock. 

There didn’t seem to be anybody in the living room. Neil locked the door behind him and ventured further into the apartment. “Andrew?” he called. 

A few seconds later, Andrew popped out of a doorway that must be the bathroom, because he looked fresh out of the shower. So fresh he just had a towel wrapped around his waist, and he was soaking wet. 

Neil couldn’t help but let his eyes drift down toward Andrew’s chest and back up to his face. Then he said, “You’re dripping water all over the place.” 

Andrew said nothing, but disappeared back into the bathroom, presumably to clean up. Neil went in search of the bedroom, and placed his things at the foot of the bed. He flopped onto the bed, exhausted, and closed his eyes.

It didn’t take long for Andrew to join him. Neil heard the soft padding of his feet before the bed shifted under his weight. Neil cracked his eyes open and glanced at Andrew, who was sitting on the bed, staring at him. He was still shirtless, but wearing a pair of joggers and his black armbands. 

“You’re earlier than I was expecting,” Andrew finally spoke. 

Neil hummed in agreement. “I think the taxi driver was speeding. Did you just get back from the gym?” 

Andrew’s eyebrows went up in slight surprise. “Yes. Do you know my entire schedule?” 

Neil shrugged. “It was just a guess. I didn’t think you would be practicing this late.” 

“How are the foxes, captain?” Andrew said with a smirk. Neil let out a groan at that. 

“Don’t even get me started.” He sat up and leaned against the pillows with a huff. Andrew shifted so he was closer, and sat in front of Neil. 

“Tell me about them. Are there any as difficult as I was?” Andrew asked with genuine curiosity. 

Neil shook his head. “There’s a few freshmen who don’t listen, but nowhere as bad as you were. I’m working on it though. Out of the five new recruits, there are two who make me want to bash my head against a wall every practice.” He looked up to see Andrew staring at him with a hint of a smile on his lips. “What?” 

Andrew just shook his head and looked away, but the smile still danced on his lips. “Nothing.”

“I don’t believe you, but anyway, one of the-,” Neil started talking again, but Andrew cut him off by leaning in and pressing a finger to Neil’s lips. 

“Do you ever stop talking?” he asked. Neil bit his lip to refrain from replying. “Yes or no?” 

Neil immediately said, “Yes.”

Andrew removed his finger from Neil’s lips, and scooted closer so that they were sitting criss-crossed across from each other. “Then come here you idiot,” he said and pulled Neil into a kiss. One hand instinctively wrapped around the back of Neil’s neck, pulling him closer, but the other hand drifted to Neil’s thigh. He wasn’t at all surprised to feel it there. Neil knew that Andrew had a thing for his thighs.

Neil let him have a few kisses before pulling away and saying, “I don’t want to stop kissing you, but this is uncomfortable,” gesturing to the position that they were in. 

Andrew stared at Neil for a second before shoving him back against the headboard by the base of his throat, not high enough to actually choke him. Neil was surprised, but didn’t move. Then he maneuvered himself so that he was straddling Neil’s hips but there was still space between them. Neil just stared at him. 

“Shut up,” Andrew said. 

“I didn’t say anything,” Neil protested. 

Andrew just gave him a bored stare before leaning in to kiss him again. Neil didn’t hesitate to meet him halfway. These kisses weren’t soft and gentle anymore. Andrew had one hand on the wall behind Neil’s hand, and the other wrapped around his throat to keep him still. 

When Andrew pulled away for the slightest bit to catch his breath, Neil took his opportunity and kissed down Andrew’s jaw until he got to the final destination: the pulse point on his neck. He didn’t miss the way Andrew’s body shivered as Neil’s teeth grazed his skin. 

“If you leave a mark, I’ll kill you,” he growled and pushed Neil away. Neil tried to fight a smile. 

“You like it, just admit it.” Andrew quickly shut him up with more kissing. 

Neil’s hands were itching to touch Andrew, but he wouldn’t dare of doing it without permission. His hands twisted into the sheets at his sides and all his thoughts disappeared as he let Andrew take him apart. 

When Andrew finally let him go, Neil was practically gasping for breath. Andrew got off the bed and looked at him. “Look at this mess you made,” he said, gesturing to his chest. 

“Do you want-,” Neil started to ask. 

Andrew shut him up with a glare. “Not now.” 

He disappeared to go clean up in the bathroom, and Neil got out of the bed to change into clean pajamas. He climbed back into bed and under the covers, with the intent of waiting for Andrew to come back, but his exhaustion soon took over and he was asleep in minutes of his head touching the pillow. 

It was the best sleep he had gotten since Andrew left for Colorado back in May.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title inspired by the song feel something - jaymes young


	6. one step forward and two steps back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things seemed to be going well in denver but oops my hand slipped here's some angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for implication of self-harm

Neil woke up to the sound of an alarm going off, and blinked against the early morning sunlight filtering into the bedroom. He heard Andrew mumble something that sounded suspiciously like ‘duck’, before untangling himself from Neil to shut off the alarm. 

“What was that for?” Neil asked, still half asleep. 

Andrew rolled back over to face him. “Practice,” he said. 

Neil raised an eyebrow. “You have practice on the fourth of July?” he asked. Andrew just stared at Neil. 

“No, I just set my alarm to go off at dawn for absolutely no reason,” he said with a deadpan face. 

“Shut up,” Neil said, but a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. Andrew leaned over to kiss him, but Neil stopped him with a finger to the chest. “Not so fast, Mr. Morning Breath,” he said. 

Andrew glared at him, but was out of the bed and headed to the bathroom seconds later. Neil just yawned loudly and stretched out on the empty bed. He was still slightly jetlagged and didn’t want to leave the comfort of the bed yet, so Neil curled up on his side and managed to fall back asleep. 

Next thing he knew, something hit him in the face with a soft thud, and Neil jerked awake. He opened his eyes to find Andrew glaring at him from the foot of the bed. Andrew had thrown a pillow at him to wake him up. 

“I hate you,” he said. Neil just blinked at him in confusion. “I went to brush my teeth so I can kiss my dumb idiot boyfriend without morning breath, only to find him asleep again when I come back.” 

Neil felt his ears go warm. “Oops,” he mumbled. 

Andrew ignored him. “I have to go. I should be back by lunchtime, though.” 

“Oh, okay,” Neil said disappointedly. That meant he would be by himself for a little less than 6 hours. 

“Can you keep yourself occupied for that long or do I need to get a babysitter?” Andrew asked with his trademark smirk. 

Neil made a face at Andrew. “I think I can manage.” He scooted toward the edge of the bed and reached a hand out for Andrew. When he didn’t object, Neil pinched the front of Andrew’s t-shirt with a thumb and pulled him closer. Well, more like Andrew played along and stepped closer so he was standing between Neil’s legs that were now hanging off the bed. 

“Yes or no?” Neil asked, looking up at Andrew. 

Andrew gave him a look. “Now who’s the one with morning breath?” 

Neil groaned in frustration. “Well, I’m jet lagged and tired, and I didn’t know you were getting out of bed to brush your teeth,” he pointed out. Andrew rolled his eyes. 

“I don’t care if you have morning breath, you idiot,” he said, and leaned in to kiss his boyfriend. They shared a few kisses, but Andrew pulled back before they could get carried away. “I have to go,” he said. 

Neil pouted, but let go of Andrew. “Okay, I’ll see you later,” he said, and watched Andrew grab a duffel bag and head out the door. Once Andrew was gone, Neil collapsed back onto the bed with a sigh. 

It was weird being alone with nothing to do, and everytime Neil was in this situation he felt unease creep into his mind. For most of his life he was constantly on the run, and then when he came to Palmetto he had the foxes to keep him busy. But everytime Neil’s life crawled to a standstill, he felt the need to be doing something in order to keep his thoughts at bay. 

Like right now Neil’s mind was wandering toward the future, thinking about what his life would look like in the next year. He knew he would have to sign to play professionally because of the Moriyama’s, but he doubted that Kengo would let him play on the same team as Andrew. Neil didn’t like not knowing how many years he and Andrew would have to be long-distance from each other. 

He shook the thoughts from his head and got up to make coffee in the kitchen. While the water was heating up, Neil turned on the television to keep himself distracted. He settled on the couch with a cup of coffee, but the TV didn’t keep him occupied for more than a few hours at the most. 

Feeling antsy again, Neil changed into workout gear and laced up his sneakers for a run. He didn’t have a destination in mind, but just ran wherever his feet decided to take him through downtown Denver. 

Neil was careful not to run too far though, and tracked his surroundings so he wouldn’t get lost. After about an hour of running, Neil was starting to feel the familiar yet comforting burn in his legs, and headed back to the apartment. 

He grabbed some clean clothes and headed to the shower, hoping that Andrew would be back soon because he was running out of things to do. Neil didn’t know how long he spent in the shower, but by the time he shut the water off he heard a key being pressed into the lock of the front door. 

Neil stepped out of the shower and rummaged through the cabinets to find a clean towel. There was one towel left under the sink, so he grabbed it, but then froze at what was hidden underneath. He hastily wrapped the towel around his waist, not caring that his scars were out in the open, and stepped into the hallway. 

“Andrew?” Neil called, but almost immediately found him sitting at the kitchen counter, eating lunch. Andrew looked over and froze when he saw the small knife Neil was holding. Neil swore he could see a flash of panic in the other man’s eyes. 

“Oh, Neil, why must you go through my things?” Andrew asked. Neil winced at how similar that comment sounded to something Andrew would have said when he was on medication. 

“I didn’t go through anything, Andrew. You should have known better than to leave one towel left if you didn’t want me to find it.” 

Andrew hummed. “You’re right. I guess I need to do laundry.” He was trying to avoid this conversation, but Neil didn’t miss the way Andrew held his fork with white knuckles. 

“You gave me your knives,” said Neil. 

“And you must be truly stupid if you think-,” Andrew started, but Neil cut him off. 

“Stop playing games with me. Tell me you haven’t done anything with this knife.” 

Andrew looked away. His mouth opened like he was going to say something, but then closed again. He didn’t need to say anything for Neil to know the answer. They were usually comfortable baring their scars around each other now, but Neil was suddenly painfully aware of how Andrew had been wearing his armbands since he got there. 

“Why?” Neil asked quietly. 

“That’s none of your business,” Andrew said sharply. 

“Let me help you.” 

Andrew _laughed_ at that. “That’s what they all said. But here’s the thing: you can’t. You can’t fix me,” he said. 

Neil recoiled. He wasn’t sure who exactly Andrew was talking about, but he felt sick just thinking about it. Andrew hopped off the stool and started to walk past Neil, but Neil threw an arm up in front of his chest. He knew Andrew could easily step around him, but something stopped him. 

“I didn’t say I wanted to fix you,” Neil said. 

Andrew slid a cool look his way. “Same thing, isn’t it?” 

“No,” said Neil, but Andrew ignored him and kept walking to the bedroom. 

The last thing Andrew said before shutting the door behind him was, “I would take the couch tonight if I were you.” 

Neil’s hands were clenched into fists so hard at his sides that his nails left moon-shaped indents in his palms. He was angry at himself for trying to push an unwilling Andrew, but he was also angry at Andrew for not just _talking_ to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title inspired by the song not meant to be - theory of a deadman


	7. you don't have to say i love you to say i love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> andrew opens up about his struggles. both to himself and to neil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a few notes:
> 
> first - tw's for pretty heavy talk about struggling with mental illness, and references to self harm
> 
> second - hopefully this isn't too ooc?? i just want them to be happy
> 
> third - sorry my uploading schedule is chaotic and super irregular, i just write when i feel like it. i wrote this immediately after uploading ch.6 and need to post it
> 
> last - i have no plans or any idea where this story is going after this chapter so we'll find out together i guess lol

Neil was a mess for the rest of the day. Andrew came out of the bedroom once, and threw a blanket and pillow at Neil before heading to the kitchen. Neil opened his mouth to say something, but Andrew stopped him with a quick, “Don’t.” 

He watched as Andrew grabbed a mostly full bottle of vodka from the counter before heading back to the bedroom, where he slammed the door shut behind him. Neil winced, knowing it was directed at him. 

Neil was restless. He didn’t even bother eating lunch because he wasn’t hungry. He tried distracting himself by watching TV, but that didn’t work. He spent most of the afternoon pacing in the living room. When he forced himself to eat something for dinner he couldn’t keep it down, and spent 30 minutes vomiting his insides out. 

Neil didn’t even bother trying to sleep on the couch, because he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep at all. His mind had been racing for hours, wondering if it was worth his life to go check on Andrew. 

He knew he had pushed Andrew too far, and that he deserved his space, but there was a very small part of him that was angry that Andrew still didn’t trust him enough. Logically speaking, Neil knew that Andrew wasn’t obligated to tell him anything until he was ready, but Andrew pretty much knew everything about Neil at this point. They both had a lot of past trauma and problems to deal with, but Neil so badly just wanted Andrew to trust him completely. 

Neil felt terrible watching Andrew like this. He just wanted to help. He wanted Andrew to know that he didn’t have to go through this alone.

\- -

Andrew was dealing with his own mind battle behind the bedroom door. He knew the alcohol was making it worse, but he drank it quickly in the hopes it would help him pass out so he wouldn’t have to think. He usually didn't let himself get drunk enough, but now seemed like a good enough time.

He just hoped Neil didn’t feel as shitty as he did. It wasn’t that he liked keeping things from Neil, but there was a part of him that he didn’t want to share with anyone. He was afraid of letting Neil see all of the ugly parts inside his mind. 

Andrew didn’t like the fact that he had a tendency to push Neil away when he really needed him the most, but he was scared. There was always a voice in the back of his mind yelling at him _don’t let anybody in, they’re only going to hurt you, he’s just like the rest of them -_

Everyday was a constant battle with these thoughts. Being with Neil makes everything a little quieter, but Andrew couldn’t help but hide this part of himself. The last two months were hard for him, as much as Andrew hated to admit. He had grown up learning to not depend on anyone, but being away from Neil showed just how dependent he was on him. 

It was hard being away from Neil. As much as he had claimed over the last couple of years that he didn’t want or need anything, Andrew had taken terribly to being alone. His thoughts were overwhelming without Neil there. Andrew hated the feeling of needing something. He hated feeling desperate, and there were lines of scars crossing his arms to prove it, including the fresh ones put there a month ago. 

He had given his knives to Neil for exactly this reason, and he couldn’t even remember buying this new one. Andrew lasted a month before his thoughts were too much. They were starting to consume him. He was sleeping terribly, and acted like a zombie everyday to pass as well enough to his teammates. Every ‘how are you doing?’ was met with Andrew saying ‘fine’ and moving on so they wouldn’t ask too many questions. 

Andrew had refused to call Neil for days by claiming he was busy, trying to prove that he didn’t need him. His brain was yelling at him, calling him weak for becoming so dependent on another person. It was too much, too fast, and he craved just a minute of relief. He hadn’t even known what he was doing until there was blood and it was too late.

\- -

Andrew woke up the next morning with a pounding headache and a wave of nausea. He made it to the bathroom in time to lean over the toilet, but nothing came up since he hadn’t eaten anything in like 20 hours.

This was one reason why he never drank that much. He felt like he had been hit by a truck. Andrew stood up and splashed some cold water on his face. He was bent over the sink, gripping it with white knuckles when Neil appeared behind him. Andrew saw him in the mirror, but didn’t look up. He silently cursed himself for leaving the door open in his hurry. Of course Neil would have heard him dry heaving. 

It was definitely a dumb question, but Neil asked, “Are you okay?” 

“I’m fine,” Andrew said hoarsely, which was definitely not the truth. 

Neil didn’t want to push it any further. “I’m going to make coffee,” was all he said, and Andrew saw him leave. Andrew took a few deep breaths, and glanced at his reflection in the mirror. He looked like complete shit. His eyes were bloodshot, with dark bags underneath, and his hair was a mess from fitful sleep. 

Andrew finally left the bathroom and headed to the kitchen. Neil was pouring coffee into a mug, and asked Andrew if he wanted some. He shook his head, and filled a glass with water instead. Neil sat at the counter silently as Andrew washed down a few ibuprofens and chugged his water. 

When he was done, there were several moments of silence between them before Andrew finally said, “I’m sorry.” 

Neil blinked at him. “You don’t have to apologize.” 

“No, I do. It was a shitty thing to push you away like that, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I don’t know how to talk about any of this like a normal fucking human.” 

“I’m sorry too,” Neil said. “I shouldn’t have pushed you.” 

Andrew took a shaky breath. “You deserve to know what’s going on, though.” 

Before he could continue, Neil said, “Well, yeah, I’m worried about you, but you don’t have to tell me everything. Just tell me what I can do to help.” 

Andrew finally looked up at him with a pained expression on his face. He wanted to tell Neil what was going on, and he wanted help so badly. He was tired of hiding. Neil was silent, giving Andrew time and space to figure out what he was going to say next. 

“All my life,” Andrew started, “I taught myself to put up these barriers so nobody would know how broken I am on the inside. My knives helped me stop feeling and gave me a distraction from my shithole of a life. I stopped being dependent on anyone but myself because I couldn’t trust them. 

When I started medication, I didn’t need my knives anymore. I still wore them for comfort, but I didn’t feel the urge to hurt myself because half the time it felt like I wasn’t even present in my own body. I didn't need an escape from thoughts that weren't there. 

And then there was you when I was taken off my medication. I was back to being my old, broken self with shitty thoughts, but being around you made everything quieter. I didn’t want to admit it to myself, but I was becoming dependent on you. I could think clearly around you, and it was addicting.” Andrew was gripping the counter with white knuckles. 

“I gave you my knives before I left because I didn’t trust myself when I wasn’t around you. Obviously I was right, but my self control was shit because I ended up with a new knife in my hand. I know I should’ve just called or something, but I was trying to prove to myself that I didn’t need you - or anyone - to be okay.”

Andrew’s breathing was ragged now. “It was the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever done, but I couldn’t help it. I hated the feeling of being so dependent on someone. I didn’t allow myself to talk to you, but I was lonely and so _desperate_ for control over my own thoughts-,” his voice cut off with a small gasp for air, but he didn’t have anything else to say. 

Neil sat there for a while, just processing everything that Andrew told him. He wasn’t sure what to say. After all, what are you supposed to say after someone tells you their entire life’s struggle with mental illness? 

Apparently he was quiet for too long because Andrew said, “Please say something.” It was barely a whisper. Neil immediately looked up at him, shocked to hear that word come out of his mouth. 

“I love you.” 

Andrew’s eyes snapped up to meet his. His face was devoid of any emotion or sign of what he was thinking. 

“You don’t have to say it back. I’m not expecting you to. I just need you to know that I love you. Every part of you. I said I wasn’t going anywhere, and I meant it.” 

Andrew’s gaze dropped again. His chest felt tight and he didn’t know how Neil was going to react to what he wanted to say. Neil must have sensed his panic, because he stood up and walked over to Andrew. 

“Can I touch you, yes or no?” Neil asked. Andrew nodded, so Neil slowly raised a hand and turned Andrew’s face to look at him. “You don’t have to say it back, it’s okay.” 

Andrew’s voice was quiet and small when he said, “What if I’ll never be able to say it back?”

It was only eight letters, but he was _terrified_ at the thought of saying those three words aloud. Andrew wasn’t even sure he knew what love was. 

“You don’t ever have to say those words back to me if you don’t want to,” Neil said gently. 

Andrew looked at him with a pained expression. “And you're okay with silence in return, even if it’s forever?” Neil’s thumb softly stroked Andrew’s cheekbone from where it was cupped around his face. 

“Yes,” Neil said. “I’ll know, even if you don’t say it.” 

Andrew’s eyes squeezed shut as an overwhelming feeling washed over him. He recognized it as relief, but this time it wasn’t coming from the feeling of a cool knife blade pressed to his skin. It was relief that he didn’t have to hide anymore. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. 

“What’s wrong?” Neil asked. 

Andrew just shook his head. “Nothing,” he said, “everything is fine,” and it wasn’t a lie this time. Neil was looking at him with a curious tilt of his head when Andrew opened his eyes again. 

His statement must have seemed genuine enough for Neil because he accepted it with a short, “Okay.” Neil lowered his hand from Andrew’s face and hovered above his forearms. “Can I see?” 

Andrew’s breath caught in his throat. 

“It’s okay if the answer’s no,” Neil said gently. 

“I-I don’t know,” Andrew said honestly. He didn’t want to see the reminders of what he’d done, let alone show the fresh scarring to Neil. 

Neil nodded in understanding. His hand drifted lower to find Andrew’s, and he threaded their fingers together. “Well, maybe we should actually get some sleep, because you look like shit and I’m sure I don’t look much better,” he said. 

Andrew glared at him for that comment, but knew he was right. He let Neil lead him to the bedroom, and they climbed into bed at 8:30 in the morning. Andrew snuggled closer to Neil, and said, “Yes or no?” 

Neil glanced at him for a second, confused. “Are you asking to _cuddle_?” 

“What would you say if I was?” asked Andrew. Not quite a denial. 

“Yes,” Neil said immediately. He lifted an arm, and Andrew moved closer, wrapping an arm around Neil’s torso. Neil wrapped his arm around Andrew’s shoulders, and they fell asleep within minutes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title inspired by the song for him. - troye sivan


End file.
